New! Short-burst "Weekly Work in Progress"

In response to readers who get all their email via smart phones and other small screen gadgets, I have added Weekly Work in Progress to my free newsletters. Like Work in Progress, WWIP covers aspects of personal growth across relationships, business, communication skills, and other areas in which we all have room to grow. However, it is delivered weeekly, in short bursts of less than 200 words. So at to continue to provide depth of coverage, for each calendar month the central topic will remain the same, with different aspects being addressed each Tuesday.

Never fear, the regular, longer-length Work in Progress (WIP) will continue to exist. It will not be addressing the same topics as WWIP, so that readers who subscribe to both will not be receiving duplicate information. My aim for Work in Progress, a free monthly newsletter, is to cover many of the general issues that are addressed much more specifically and personally in the coach/client relationship.  I do not pretend to provide any "instant success" formula that will magically change people's lives in a moment, but, rather, I offer the tools for transformation so as to help people to choose where and how they can make beneficial changes in their lives, relationships and careers. As my tag-line states, I firmly believe that increasing our personal effectiveness leads to increased personal success - however you may choose to define that term.

"You have not only provided insight, answers and advice when I asked for them, you have kept one step ahead and provided me the gentle nudges or kicks in the behind as needed.

Topics include dealing with day-to-day problems, stress, time management and other always-needed staples of the success-and-self-improvement field. However, Work in Progress tries to go deeper than this. It relates the outer aspects of our lives, including our successes and our obstacles, to our patterns of thought, our integrity, our values, and our authenticity.  The focus is on how these inner aspects affect our outer behaviors and their resulting outcomes.

Despite this, Work in Progress aims to be easy to read, and uses anecdotes, examples, and quotations to convey its message.

I began Work in Progress in September 1997 with a mailing list of eighty.  As of mid 2002 there were over nineteen hundred subscribers around the world (see table on the Writer page). Many readers tell me they forward their issues to multiple friends and colleagues.  While I encourage readers to forward the newsletter (in its entirety only) to anyone who may be interested, I also encourage those who enjoy it to subscribe directly, so that I may know better how many people Work in Progress reaches and how the e-zine can best serve them. 

Contrary to the belief of some readers, I am not overwhelmed with feedback, and I always invite readers to let me know what articles are, or not not, particularly helpful to them, and what topics they would like to see covered in the future.

Work in Progress
December 2006

WORK IN PROGRESS
THE Personal Effectiveness E-zine

December 2006

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On Family Feuds and lost Friendships

As far as I know there was no contact between older brother and younger brother. Now that they have passed, no one quite knows the
cause of the family feud. It has been suggested that it might relate to older brother's anger that younger brother did not fight in World
War II. Or that, because older brother stayed in the army during the post war occupations, when he came out he found that all the best
positions in his former company had been taken by those who had returned to civilian life earlier, so that he had to pedal twice as
fast to catch up - and hence could not cope with taking his share of the care of their widowed mother, to younger brother's anger. Or that
older brother's wife, somewhat overly focused on status, did not want her children living with the rather uneducated speech patterns of
their grandmother. Or just that both brothers were stubborn, and that, as a son of younger brother put it - "he could be difficult at times"
- an epithet that could apply to older brother also.

Whatever the reason, they died without reconciliation. My brother and I grew up not even knowing the three cousins who were sons of younger
brother. Only through a funeral of the one remaining sibling who had kept in touch with both brothers were we able to know anything of
those cousins many years later. Two died soon afterwards. I was able to meet the third once, along with his offspring and his wife. He died
before we could meet again.

In my search for family connections I have found - or been found by - cousins around the world, three sets of them in Australia, two in New
Zealand, many in Canada. There are others I have not yet found - probably in Mexico, Jamaica, and right where I live now, in the USA.
All descended from ancestors in England, and all lost touch with their families of origin.

As a personal coach I often talk with people who tell me sadly, or angrily, of relatives from whom they are separated. Sometimes they are
bewildered, not knowing - or claiming not to know - why they are no longer welcome in the homes of close family. Other are stubbornly
determined that their relatives should be punished for some action or attitude that occurred in the past. These, the latter, are probably
the opposite number of the former. Sometimes brother will not speak with brother. Sometimes child and parent are at odds.

It is so sad.

The more that I dig, play, and spend time (far too much time!) exploring the subject of my own family history, the better I
understand the patterns and behaviors of my own parents, and hence I gain understanding of myself. "Oh, so THAT's why...." is a frequent
thought as I uncover yet another fact, date, or anecdote that clarifies the previously unknown.

I cannot claim that my brother and I - the only siblings in our line - always agree. But I know that we both make the firm choice to
overlook our the areas where we differ, and to remain in touch. Since our parents died, the fact is that he is the only person who still
shares many of my memories. When we get together we still find new insights, as we share our perspectives on childhood - from the
viewpoint of seven years apart. I believe that we would both be the poorer if we allowed thousands of miles, and vastly differing
lifestyles, to come between us.

Do you have someone in your family from whom you are separated by more than just miles? Is your reason for this separation truly a
healthy one? (My work with people recovering from addictions has made me only too well aware that it is sometimes necessary to separate from
those who are unhealthy for us. Yet does this have to be a separation in anger? Can we not let them know, lovingly, that we miss then and
wish we could be with them - even though our mutual history makes it too difficult, or too painful?)

Are you sure that the person from whom you have chosen to separate really understands why you took that action? Not "Of course she should
know" but "Yes, I gently and clearly told her and made sure that she understood me." Very few people have the insight to know what they did
wrong when someone disappears from their lives. The dreaded "why" question often haunts them, leading them to frustrated and angry
speculation that usually lands almost anywhere except upon the truth. Yet, if they do not know, how can we ever hope that they may change?

Suppose you know that your loved one will die next week (and how can you be sure that s/he will not?), would you maintain your silence,
your separation? Are there things that you so much want to say? So many things that have happened since you parted, things that you would
love to share? Are you willing to take the risk that there is still plenty of time?

Many years ago a good friend and I drifted apart. She had said something hurtful at a time when I needed her support. She had told me
of something in her life that I think she later regretted telling. Our lives were busy. The offspring who had originally introduced us had
left home. There was no real split, just a drift. Occasionally I stopped by her retail business, but she was always busy and I went on
my way. Then by chance we met. She looked terrible. She assured me she was on the mend and asked me to check back in a month or two, when she
had got caught up with the backlog. A month or two became three or four. I drove past her place of business and saw the Sale signs. I
went in, but she was not there. She had died weeks before. We had shared so much, many years ago, but nothing in recent years, and I had
not been there for her, or her family, at the end.

Who have you been meaning to reach out to? Who have you been determined not to reach out to because you feel it is up to him or her
to take the first step in your direction? Perhaps you are right, but would you rather be right, or be kind? Does being right feed your soul
more than would a reconciliation?

Please don't wait. If you still have love, or caring, in your heart - reach out. If you cannot pick up the phone, how about a greetings card
on which you write something simple. If it is hard for you, I will even suggest some words that you might use, if you choose, making
changes wherever appropriate. Perhaps you could write something along the lines of:

Hi there ........

I often think of you, and wonder how you are. I know we've not talked in a long time, and perhaps there has been good reason for that... but
time is going by. We are not getting any younger. I can't believe that our misunderstanding is more important than the friendship that we
both used to value so much.

Can we find a way to catch up on our news and renew our friendship? We don't have to revisit the pain, just the good times.

I hope I'll hear from you, but if you choose not to reply, please know that I still think of you, and wish you health, happiness, and
peace.

And sign your name however you choose.

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I wish you a joyous Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanza, Haj, New Year - with many happy reconciliations to all.

Diana

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My apologies for the delay in creating this Work in Progress. Time seems to pass more quickly as the years go by, and with the opening up
of some important new projects I am sometimes lacking both time and energy for writing my newsletters. Remember that you can always dip
into old issues, perhaps written before you subscribed, at my archive of old Work in Progress issues going back to 1997. The archive can be
found at http://lists.webvalence.com/sites/WorkInProgress/

If you or your friends would like a free half-hour sample coaching call, please contact me by email or via my web site at
http://ChoiceCoach.com.

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Disclaimer -The contents herein are solely the opinions of Work in Progress owner, and should not be considered as a form of therapy nor
advice. There is no guarantee of validity or accuracy. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, services of a competent
professional should be sought.

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PLEASE! Any re-use of this material should include the words "Copyright Diana Robinson 2006. For more information visit Diana's web
site http://ChoiceCoach.com or contact her at Diana@ChoiceCoach.com."

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